To My Favorite Person

I am praying under the thousand stars with empty tears from my eyes. Wishing to get me back to the time where all I know is just to make myself laugh. I am paralyzed from a nightmare where I couldn’t stand anymore. Couldn’t trust anyone and love no more. It seems like the end of the world and everything has been destroyed. I am trying to fix myself and repair what has been broken. I am asking them to give me sign, if I should not give up or better to just hold back. There is no shooting star. It causes me to quit in frustration. Maybe the stars get tired of helping me. So, I stop wishing. I stop looking at them. I stop crying. Better to buried myself in the most stupid games I have ever played, at least I’ll get to enjoy myself.

I am playing non-stop. The battery of my mobile phone is getting hotter but I don’t care. If I stop playing, I will start thinking and I’d rather have a broken mobile phone than to go back to my broken foolish heart. People in the conversation box usually come and go. But you, you never go. I find you too annoying, irritating and funny. Even if I get mad at you with no reason, you just laugh in return with worries of course and that’s cute. I like it when you don’t want me to get angry. I like it when it’s fine with you that I am short-tempered. I like it that you understand me. I like it that you’re comfortable with my awkward silence. I like it that you don’t mind me not talking most of the time. I like it that you like me.

Our non-stop conversation every day and every night gives me hope. You help me fix everything. You give me reason to smile. You bring me back to life. To love. Maybe that is why there is no shooting star, because you are my shooting star.  Maybe this is the reason why I love talking to you under the thousands shining star, because you are one of them. You are my shooting star. Every word that comes from your mouth becomes my favorite word. Your laugh becomes my favorite laugh. Your smile becomes my favorite smile. Your voice becomes my favorite voice. You, you becomes my favorite person.

Lovely days and wonderful nights have pass. They are both meaningful and you fill it with love. Time comes that conversation over the phone is no longer enough. Our voices demands for our touch. Our words demand to be real. So we meet.

I spend almost forever preparing for this moment. I want it to be perfect. I want me to look perfect. This drive is about to be the longest drive of my entire life. I get myself busy enjoying the view in the window but I can’t get you out of my head. Maybe it really happens when a person is attracted to someone. You are nowhere, and then suddenly you’re everywhere and everything. I look in the sky. It’s getting dark. I want to know what the sky says about this abrupt meeting. I want a sign. Then it’s raining. Maybe the sky doesn’t agree with us, or, maybe the sky is celebrating with us. It doesn’t matter. This is the first time that I am not going to believe in sign. I listen to my gut. I follow my instinct. Whatever I want is the right choice. It is the sign. The sign is me. My feeling.

I am shaking, and my heart is racing. I feel like entering a giant freezer as my feet and hands freeze from time to time. Then you are there. You are waiting for me. You are so beautiful with your black shirt and denim shorts. I’m pretty sure you see me walking toward the escalator. I walk straight and fast. I’m afraid that if I walk straight to you, my excitement over the fact that we are going to spend a couple of hours together will be transparent. I reached the end of the escalator, trying to walk faster than I could, but you are like a wind, flying effortlessly to reach me. We meet at eyes. You smile. I smile. I try not to stare at you but it’s difficult to focus on anything else. Whenever I look at you, I just can’t stop smiling, because I know I’m in love.

It’s totally awkward at first. We both don’t know where to start. I am trying to look into your eyes, but every time I look at you, I melt. When your eyes are off of me, I have to inhale a noticeable breath, because I haven’t inhaled for the first sixty seconds while we are walking. We stopped in front of a table. I put my bag on it and rest my head. I am trying to be cool to hide my shaky feelings. There is a total silence again. Then you break it with your magical words, your funny stories. You break the silence with your smile that I couldn’t stop myself from smiling too. You break it with laughter that my stomachs ache for laughing so hard. You break it by just looking at me that makes my heart beats faster than ever. It’s funny how it works. The silence between us says more than all the words in the world.

You invade me, my mind, my heart, my soul. Your eyes become my favorite eyes. Your smell becomes my favorite smell. Your touch becomes my favorite touch and your kiss, your kiss becomes everything and whenever your lips come close to mine, I can no longer distinguish if it is your lips or your breaths that are invading my skin.  Your kiss is slow and calm, opposite of my pulse. Your lips against mine feel like bringing me to life and death at the same time.

And that is how you break me, you leave me alone in a bubble. Suddenly, I feel the need to ask you if you actually still want me in your life because it always feels like you don’t really care.

I wake up in pain. Not physical pain but emotional pain. I can feel it. I can feel it straight from the vain of my heart. I can hardly breathe as if I was running all night in my dream. I can feel something heavy on my chest, and I’m very certain that it’s the pain drowning me on my bed. It’s the memory of love being incredible and painful. I can feel your absence. It’s like waking up with no teeth in my mouth and I don’t have to run to the mirror to know that you are gone because I can feel it. I don’t need words from you because the gesture says it all. You are gone and I lost you.

I just want you to take a chance on me because I want to take a chance on you but you’re gone. I lost you when I started to notice the little things and it gets you irritated. I lost you when I am losing myself with you. I lost you when I know I am already screwing up. I lost you when you are no longer here to assure me that you will never leave me. I lost you when I though it could be you, that you are the one.

It’s like going back exactly to the moment when I had you, but this time, there is already tears in my eyes under the thousands stars that are not so bright. I am wishing again to get me back to the moment where I can just laugh and conquer the world with confidence. I am paralyzed again with a nightmare but this time, it’s about you. I am now fixing myself again. Repairing what has been broken but this time it’s all because of you. And this time I am not asking for the sign because what I need is strength. When I lost you, I lost myself and by this time, I am the one who will bring myself back to life because you’re gone and I have to do it alone. I wake up and afraid to handle the uncertainty. The possibility that today could be another bad day but at the end of the day, it’s me who has to live my own life.

It’s been a month and I want you to know that it was never my intention to fall in love with you but I am now moving on. It’s not that easy. But I’ve got this. I know I’ve got this. I am waking up every day, trying to become better than the person I were yesterday. I am not angry with you. I am angry with myself because until know, from this very moment that I am writing this and certainly to the moment that you are reading this, you still have effect on me. Until now, you can make my heart beat fast whenever I think of you. What have you done to me? You are like a magnet. Our opposite feelings still attract me.

I told you I’m moving on but I don’t know what took it so long. The mere fact that I already connected all the dots, that you’ve never been sincere to me, it doesn’t change what I feel for you. I maybe lost you, but you still have me. Lucky you because I still love you.  And I want you to know that sometimes, I just want to run to you, and I hope you know that every time I don’t, I almost do. Somehow I can manage to get rid of you out of my mind, but you are like a history, just repeating itself. I cannot control my heart. It’s always looking for you. Longing for you. My heart remains loyal to you, and that’s unfair. You’ve never been loyal to me. You’ve never been honest to me. I told you before not to play with my feelings but you still did. Once again in my life, I have taken for granted innocently.

I am a fool because I believed in you. I believed that you truly love me. I am a fool because I never notice the flaws. Your flaws. You took my time with you. You invaded me every day, every night, till midnight and dawn. Our non-stop conversation made me believed that your love truly exists. But I am a fool. I am in love with the idea of being in love.

I’m not sure if it’s still love. Now you tell me, Am I in love with you when I am always checking up on you online, tempted to start a conversation but afraid to be declined? Am I in love with you, whenever my phone rings, I am hoping that it is you, that maybe you finally realize that you miss me and you want me back? Am I in love with you when I always thought that others name is yours? Am I in love with you when I always do day dreaming being with you? Am I in love with you when I almost jump off my bed when you hit “like” on my facebook status that is meant for you? Now tell me. Am I in love with you when every night I’m crying, wishing to win you back? Don’t tell me I’m paranoid. I’m not paranoid. I am just in love.

I want you to know that I made a promise under the thousand stars with a smile in my eyes that I will never again go back to what fractured my heart, my mind, and my soul. Of course I will always be afraid that I am no longer capable of love. That I will never find anyone to make me feel the same way you did to me. But I know that I have to accept that I cannot stay with you just because I love you. I realized that it’s just best to forgive and forget and to leave it at that. Thank you for saving me from a relationship that would sooner be filled with lies and dishonesty.

Love, Sarah

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